A few minutes later, in the same discussion with the same parent, she expressed concern that her daughter “…wasn’t hitting the ball like Sarah. What’s wrong with her?”
We are comfortable when our children “go their own way” during social and educational situations, sometimes even proud. Some kids are put into AP classes while for others it might be necessary to take some remedial courses to shore up skills. Some students are held back a grade for emotional and education reasons. This isn’t frowned upon, it’s part of figuring out what is best for your child, helping them become a well adjusted and contributing member of society; something most every Parent subscribes to.
But when we throw athletics into the arena, those sentiments vanish quickly. Why isn’t my child as fast as hers? Why can’t my Son run like his? Why isn’t her jump shot consistent like her teammates?
The answer is the same one for every other aspect of their lives. Kids are different! They grow, mature and learn and process at different speeds and their engagement levels vary wildly.
A prime thought comes from T.J. Buchanan, the Director of Sport Development for USA Lacrosse and his ideas which are succinct and may cause some Parental arrhythmia. “There is no such thing as an elite 8-year-old lacrosse player. There are no high-performance 10-year-old lacrosse players. Some coaches may tell you different. Parents may tell you different. But what they are commonly mistaking for ‘elite’ or ‘high-performance’ is really just a young athlete who is simply more physically gifted at that given point in time, compared to their peers.”
Some Coaches may also see their athletes at all the same level and muse, “I taught this to everyone but Jenny was the only one that didn’t get it!” Our first assumption is that either Jenny wasn’t listening, doesn’t like us as a coach or just doesn’t care when in fact, probably none of those are true.
Those 11’s and 12’s coaches see this learning variance more than 16’s and 18’s coaches, but it’s prevalent throughout sports- little league to the Majors. While it might be those kids haven’t gotten to the point of learning a skill or more importantly being able to execute that skill, a couple of other factors could be weighing in as well.
Perhaps the coach’s teaching technique leaves a lot to be desired. Volleyball is a game of speed, power, movement and most of all decision making. If your coach incorporates none of these into a practice plan, chances are those athletes will be behind other athletes of the same age.
Sometimes a child is asked to play ‘up’ on a higher age team because of their size or abilities. But just because they are playing on an older team, they are still thousands of volleyball touches behind. They are thousands of opportunities to read the ball coming over the net behind. They are still thousands of plays, on the other side of the net, behind where they would be learning and moving and anticipating. These thousands of touches aren’t ‘made up’ in a season, that player will have to learn faster in less touches, opportunities and plays. That alone can be overwhelming and a burden on athletes we are trying to train into relaxing and finding their ‘zones’ at the higher levels of our sport.
This need to compare is built into our social fabric daily. Social media has us chasing the famous and fit, comparing ourselves to their looks and lifestyles. We compare our lot in life with others of similar economic status and wonder why we can’t afford what our neighbors have. We compare our kids to their kids, our jobs to their jobs, our teams to their teams, etc. It’s built into our minds and on the positive end, it can help inspire us to do things maybe we didn’t think possible before. On the negative end, it can cause depression and a toxic self worth.
Most child psychologists agree that it’s less than ideal and can be downright harmful for Parents to compare their own children but again, athletics makes these comparisons seem routine. “Your sister was able to serve over the net at 11 years old, why can’t you?”
Parents may be a root cause of this comparison conundrum. Yale Psychologist Marc Brackett, the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence (EI) and the author of “Permission to Feel” researched college students on their EI and found in his data that college students reported feeling “stressed and anxious” as well as tired, bored and lonely. But when he unpacked the underlying emotions, one stood above all and was the root cause of the others: Envy. Envy of other students, grades and social status.
So how as Parents and Coaches can we get out of this compare and contrast mindset? National Team player Madi Kingdon, in an interview on the wonderful new podcast, “I Think We’re Good Here” had this to say about comparing herself to others.
“For me, I’m training with the best people in the world. If I start comparing myself to the person on my left or my right, I think that’s a recipe for disaster.” Kingdon says. “When I first got to the (USA) gym, I was like okay, that’s Jordan Larson…she’s pretty good, ya know? It’s like a snowball. So I think over time, it’s gotten to a point where I’m competing against myself.”
“If I’m not making a roster, okay, look at the other outside hitters that are in front of me on this roster- they’re phenomenal. I mean, stats don’t lie- they have good stats, mine could be better and I’m fully aware of that and just realizing I have so much room to grow.” Madi adds, “People ask me ‘do you want to play volleyball anymore’ and I’m like yea, I have so much room to get better! I have so much work I want to do and I’m not near the player I want to be. So I realize that there’s room for potential and it’s more competing against myself than competing against other people who are in the gym because I think that would probably make you go crazy. It’s not easy!”
The phrase is overused a lot but in this instance, not used enough: Be the best version of yourself. That’s all that can be asked of you.
As an athlete, don’t worry about Coaches and Parents comparing you to other athletes; it’s ill conceived and a distraction.
As a Coach, instead of comparing, start coaching better. Understand that every athlete on your team has strengths and weaknesses and finding those strengths for the betterment of both player and team is a full time job in itself. There is no time to compare.
And Parents, let’s stop limiting your athlete’s growth and potential by corralling them into your ill fitting idea of what they should be and who you have compared them to and celebrate who they are, what they bring to the team and how they can best challenge themselves to improve.
Theodore Roosevelt’s wisdom and pith come across in his fitting mic drop;
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
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