She is 14 years old and playing a game that is dictated by how you handle your shortcomings as a player and a team and where perfection is not a possibility.
Sound familiar? Do you parent or coach (or both) one of these kinds of athletes? They used to be few and far between but today, many athletes come with a special entry into the sports psychology schema: perfectionism.
USA National team libero Natalie Hagglund’s blog talked about this in extraordinary frankness; a look inside the mind of one of the top athlete’s in the world and a sharing of something that so many others go through.
“When I was finished with USC and joined the national team I was pushed out of my comfort zone more in one week than I had been in my entire life. This is when that same perfectionist mindset…the mindset that drove me to accomplish so many things in the past, became my worst nightmare.
Within the first couple of weeks with the national team I was taught a new system and completely stripped of my technique. Every movement that I ever sort of felt confident about was evaluated and eventually thrown out the window. I was also placed in a gym full of volleyball legends whom I looked up to and ever so badly wanted to impress. So yes, I think it is safe to say that ALL I was concerned about was making a good impression, and in my mind, performing at a perfect standard was the only way to make a good impression.
But, the more I had to learn…the more I failed. The more I failed…the more it ate at me…the more it ate at me…the harder I worked. But now, it didn’t matter how hard I worked, I still failed. These idealistic perceptions, these visions that once drove me to accomplish even my highest goals were now dragging me down…even ripping everything that I once loved about playing out from under me.
It just got to a point where it wasn’t fun anymore. I dreaded the thought of waking up and going to practice because I knew that I was going to fail again…and I was scared shitless of that kind of failure. See, this was a different type of failure for me. This wasn’t the type of failure that I could work hard to overcome QUICKLY. It was going to take time and patience…and let’s be real, patience was never my strong suit. Every morning I put on a strong face; a face of confidence, a face of competitiveness, energy, passion & love…that same face that I just dominated in college…but on the inside I was scared.
I never really saw this side of perfection…the side that everyone was always talking and warning me about…the side that picks at you, exhausts you & later defeats you. But there it was, slowly but surely defeating me.”
As parents, we love the fact our child will stay up until 11 studying and finishing homework, that grades are all A’s, that their team went undefeated at the last power tournament and that they won the election for Class treasurer in a landslide.
As coaches, we love the fact that athletes came in early to get more reps and that while the other girls are having fun, she scowls and stands away from the rest of the team: game face affixed and ready for battle.
But are we, as both coaches and parents, missing a bigger picture?
In a paper entitled “The Relationship between Perfectionism, Eating Disorders and Athletes,” Sarah Forsberg and James Lock, both from Stanford, define perfectionists as, “those described as setting extremely high standards for which is often accompanied by fear of failure and concern with mistakes.”
Sound familiar?
Youth Sports Psychology looks at these four characteristics of a perfectionist:
1. Expect a lot from themselves (to be perfect and not make mistakes)
2. Are afraid of making mistakes (that’s where the fear of failure comes in).
3. Often become frustrated because they can’t perform the way they expect to perform.
4. Are very critical of themselves. They’ll lambaste themselves for the smallest goof-ups.
In her book, "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead," Brene’ Brown talks about the scam that perfectionism can be.
“Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval. Most perfectionists grew up being praised for achievement and performance, (grades, manners, rule following, people pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, they adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: ‘I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it.’ Please. Perform. Perfect.”
She adds, “Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think?”
She adds, “Healthy striving is self-focused: How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will they think?”
She concludes in dramatic fashion: “Perfectionism is a hustle!”
Dr. Michael Gervais is a psychologist in California that specializes in high performance athletes and who has done extensive work with the Seattle Seahawks and the USA Women’s National Volleyball team. He says this about perfectionism: “It’s a double edged sword. It’s the thing that gets us really good and then sometimes it can get in our way of believing that anything is good enough.”
A query for research on perfectionism is a window into where sports psychology sees it taking our athletes. Some of the things we’re learning going forward:
From a research paper called “Perfectionism and Perceptions of Parenting Styles in Male Youth Soccer," the following was concluded. “…personal standards was unrelated to perceptions of maternal and paternal authoritativeness. However, concern over mistakes, perceived parental pressure, perceived coach pressure and doubts about actions all had significant negative correlations with perceptions of authoritative parenting for both mothers and fathers.”
In a 2012 paper titled, “Shame Coping, Fear of Failure and Perfectionism in College Athletics,” the authors discuss the four areas of shame coping: Withdrawal, Attack self, Avoidance and Attack others. In their paper, they conclude sadly that “Females tend to employ internalizing forms of shame-coping (Attack self, withdrawal) more than males. In contrast, males favor externalizing forms of shame-coping (Avoidance, Attacking others).”
The study goes on to conclude, ”First, if shame is elicited by devaluation, then shame (embarrassment, humiliation) and fear of failure can be lessened by reducing athletes' perceptions that their shortcomings make them less worthy, as a person. Some coaches already do this intuitively. They avoid comparisons between participants and minimize the link between performance and acceptance - they convey the message that they value all their athletes. Such coaches also minimize the shame of mistakes by conveying the belief that mistakes are a normal and necessary part of learning. Second, they intuitively tailor the nature of their critiques to each athlete's ego strength; some athletes can take criticism more directly than others without resorting to maladaptive responses.”
In another paper entitled “An examination of Perfectionism and Self-Esteem in Intercollegiate Athletics,” the authors conclude simply, “…athletes who adopted a maladaptive perfectionist orientation had low levels of self esteem.”
And in yet another paper entitled “The Relationship between Perfectionism and Burnout in Junior-Elite Athletes” from 2014, the author concludes, “Overall this study showed that there is positive relationship between socially prescribed perfectionism and dimensions of burnout. It expresses that socially prescribed perfectionism is an obstacle in against of athletic performance and progress.”
You’ve seen where the word perfectionism has been associated above with eating disorders, shame-coping, self esteem, burnout, attacking self and withdrawal and we haven’t even touched on the subjects of anxiety, injury and overall mental health. These are the issues that we may as parents and coaches have to deal with every day in our homes and gyms.
How do we fix this?
In an amazing TED talk titled, “Teach Girls Bravery, Not Perfectionism,” Reshma Saujani says, “When we teach girls to be brave and we have a supportive network cheering them on, they will build incredible things.” She adds, “We’ve got to socialize our girls to be comfortable with imperfection and we’ve got to do it now!”
Parents are asked to be careful about placing super high expectations on their young athletes and comparing them to other athletes, better or worse. Keeping youth sports in perspective is another way parents can help. A missed serve at match point isn’t worth arguing about and recalling 10 times in a disjointed method of motivation.
For parents and coaches, embracing the idea of a growth mindset and understanding that learning and getting better comes with making mistakes. That understanding the process of learning and getting better is more important at the youth levels than winning and losing.
Celestine Chua is the founder of Personal Excellence, a website and blog has a wonderful title, “How to Overcome Perfectionism: Eight Easy Steps.” They aren’t that easy of course, but it gives insight on how she overcame her perfectionism.
For coaches, there are hundreds of books and videos in the coaching sphere to keep you busy for months, but many of the same ideas are brought forth.
· Focusing on the process and not the outcome
· Focus and feedback on the athlete getting better and not on their bad rep or their bad practice, which youth athletes will inevitably have
· Adopting and nurturing a growth mindset in your gym where mistakes are welcome and learned from and not to be used to embarrass or compare athletes with
· Keeping a positive tone to your interactions and culture
· Building the kind of relationships with your athletes where they acknowledge you as their coach, want what’s best for them and will do all you can to ensure their success
There are no easy fixes, but we all have to work together: parents, coaches AND athletes to ensure their youth sports experience are a positive and healthy one.
If you would like to share your story about you or your athlete or child working through perfectionism, or for more information, contact us here.
Dr. Michael Gervais is a psychologist in California that specializes in high performance athletes and who has done extensive work with the Seattle Seahawks and the USA Women’s National Volleyball team. He says this about perfectionism: “It’s a double edged sword. It’s the thing that gets us really good and then sometimes it can get in our way of believing that anything is good enough.”
A query for research on perfectionism is a window into where sports psychology sees it taking our athletes. Some of the things we’re learning going forward:
From a research paper called “Perfectionism and Perceptions of Parenting Styles in Male Youth Soccer," the following was concluded. “…personal standards was unrelated to perceptions of maternal and paternal authoritativeness. However, concern over mistakes, perceived parental pressure, perceived coach pressure and doubts about actions all had significant negative correlations with perceptions of authoritative parenting for both mothers and fathers.”
In a 2012 paper titled, “Shame Coping, Fear of Failure and Perfectionism in College Athletics,” the authors discuss the four areas of shame coping: Withdrawal, Attack self, Avoidance and Attack others. In their paper, they conclude sadly that “Females tend to employ internalizing forms of shame-coping (Attack self, withdrawal) more than males. In contrast, males favor externalizing forms of shame-coping (Avoidance, Attacking others).”
The study goes on to conclude, ”First, if shame is elicited by devaluation, then shame (embarrassment, humiliation) and fear of failure can be lessened by reducing athletes' perceptions that their shortcomings make them less worthy, as a person. Some coaches already do this intuitively. They avoid comparisons between participants and minimize the link between performance and acceptance - they convey the message that they value all their athletes. Such coaches also minimize the shame of mistakes by conveying the belief that mistakes are a normal and necessary part of learning. Second, they intuitively tailor the nature of their critiques to each athlete's ego strength; some athletes can take criticism more directly than others without resorting to maladaptive responses.”
In another paper entitled “An examination of Perfectionism and Self-Esteem in Intercollegiate Athletics,” the authors conclude simply, “…athletes who adopted a maladaptive perfectionist orientation had low levels of self esteem.”
And in yet another paper entitled “The Relationship between Perfectionism and Burnout in Junior-Elite Athletes” from 2014, the author concludes, “Overall this study showed that there is positive relationship between socially prescribed perfectionism and dimensions of burnout. It expresses that socially prescribed perfectionism is an obstacle in against of athletic performance and progress.”
You’ve seen where the word perfectionism has been associated above with eating disorders, shame-coping, self esteem, burnout, attacking self and withdrawal and we haven’t even touched on the subjects of anxiety, injury and overall mental health. These are the issues that we may as parents and coaches have to deal with every day in our homes and gyms.
How do we fix this?
In an amazing TED talk titled, “Teach Girls Bravery, Not Perfectionism,” Reshma Saujani says, “When we teach girls to be brave and we have a supportive network cheering them on, they will build incredible things.” She adds, “We’ve got to socialize our girls to be comfortable with imperfection and we’ve got to do it now!”
Parents are asked to be careful about placing super high expectations on their young athletes and comparing them to other athletes, better or worse. Keeping youth sports in perspective is another way parents can help. A missed serve at match point isn’t worth arguing about and recalling 10 times in a disjointed method of motivation.
For parents and coaches, embracing the idea of a growth mindset and understanding that learning and getting better comes with making mistakes. That understanding the process of learning and getting better is more important at the youth levels than winning and losing.
Celestine Chua is the founder of Personal Excellence, a website and blog has a wonderful title, “How to Overcome Perfectionism: Eight Easy Steps.” They aren’t that easy of course, but it gives insight on how she overcame her perfectionism.
For coaches, there are hundreds of books and videos in the coaching sphere to keep you busy for months, but many of the same ideas are brought forth.
· Focusing on the process and not the outcome
· Focus and feedback on the athlete getting better and not on their bad rep or their bad practice, which youth athletes will inevitably have
· Adopting and nurturing a growth mindset in your gym where mistakes are welcome and learned from and not to be used to embarrass or compare athletes with
· Keeping a positive tone to your interactions and culture
· Building the kind of relationships with your athletes where they acknowledge you as their coach, want what’s best for them and will do all you can to ensure their success
There are no easy fixes, but we all have to work together: parents, coaches AND athletes to ensure their youth sports experience are a positive and healthy one.
If you would like to share your story about you or your athlete or child working through perfectionism, or for more information, contact us here.
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