It was loud and
venomous.
The gym was silent and
you could hear the coach unleashing his anger, his disappointment, his sense of
being betrayed by one of his own on his 18 year old opposite. The rest of the
team stood huddled together, far away while he railed on his right side, the
one who had just missed her blocking assignment after just being reminded about
it moments before.
Her father sat in the
stands, dying inside: dying because he wanted to be there for his daughter, to
help her. He wanted to stop this coach from making his daughter feel badly,
from making her feel worse.
But he didn’t. He
knew. He was a coach; a coach and a father, THE father. He knew from
experience, from seeing other parents first hand, that she had to fail once in a
while, he had to let her fail and with failing comes the consequences. It was
part of being an athlete, part of being a grown up. It was also part of being a
parent.
So he said nothing,
did nothing, dying inside.
After the match, he
hugged her. They had spent a tumultuous half season together the winter before…together,
on the same club team.
He questioned himself
often coaching his own flesh and blood: was he too hard on her because she was
his daughter? Too lenient? After a few months, it was obvious to both of them
that he couldn’t find the right balance and after she accepted a scholarship to
a local college, they both sat down and agreed that the best thing for her was
to go work out with her college team the rest of the season. It was hard for
the coach; he hadn’t been able to find the right mixture of coach and dad.
But he knew it was
what was best for her, and as a father, he was more than okay with that.
The blurred lines of coaching your own child come with a price.
Sometimes it’s a broken relationship, sometimes it’s a sport a parent holds so
dear to them that they eventually force their kids away from it Either way,
it’s a delicate balance that can be a great experience, a nightmare but usually
something in between.
Barry Goldberg is the head coach for American
University in Washington D.C.
“My kid plays lacrosse” Goldberg muses. ”He sits the bench
half the time and I’m thinking, about the coach: are you crazy? The kid is the
best player on the field.” Goldberg chuckles. “It’s not like I don’t get it, I
just have to make sure that my facts are correct. Now it’s completely my
opinion that he’s the best player on the field, it’s not my fact. It’s the
coach’s opinion too and that’s what counts.”
The USAV Director of Sport Development, John Kessel has
played and coached the game of volleyball at every level. He also has a son
playing volleyball at Princeton and a daughter playing at Bowdoin
College in Maine . He has raised both as a single Dad
and has coached both of them at one point or another in their careers.
“In high school, I coached Cody. Now that he’s in college, I
just talk to his coach about things in general. The same is true for Mac. In
high school, I would just talk in general. I did not really think that the
coach was making bad decisions, as I don't train them 5 days a week, he did.”
Kessel wrote a terrific blog on this exact subject which you are encouraged to read.
Kessel wrote a terrific blog on this exact subject which you are encouraged to read.
Club Director Goldberg understands parental frustration because he, like so many other coaches, has it with his own children. So he understands what drives Parents to their behavior at times.
“Two days ago I had a parent in my office saying she has
invested all this money into getting her daughter a scholarship. Well, there’s no way this kid is going to get
a scholarship. She’s a little club player and if she makes her high school team
we’re going to be really happy. I told this mother she was playing for the wrong
reason; that we are here to really just educate your daughter in the sport and
if she gets something, great. I told her, ‘Your daughter might struggle to get something;
I can see the level of where she’s at right now; it’s going to be difficult for
her. You should be preparing to cover her schooling. If something comes up,
tremendous! Don’t invest in this to get your kid a scholarship and don’t put
pressure on your kid who’s thinking I’ve got to save the family by getting a
scholarship. She’s going to pull her hair out, she’ll go crazy.’ She walked out
of here angry with me, I’m sure.”
“It’s parents, it’s kids. I’m blind with my kid” Barry
confesses. ”I’m blind with my wife, I’m blind with the things so, so important
to me. It’s hard, for all of us.”
“Parenting, coaching, and teaching others, but perhaps most importantly, yourself, sometimes known as learning, all follow the same principles” Kessel contends.” Since I love to compete, on the court when things are in my control, I know what I can control in learning, but that learning includes a lot of errors along the way. When I take it to the other roles off the court, the principles don't change, just the methods. I teach still, or just celebrate watching, as I love to watch people I care about, play this wonderful, lifetime, team game.”
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