...Playing with your all...

This is a guest blog by a high school senior who has been through several sports in her High School career and is reflecting on her coaching. She has an amazing insight and one day, will make a wonderful coach with what she has learned these past four years. Congratulations on your graduation and thank you for the insights!

What do you think most players think about coaches? I am always trying to think without thinking about my personal feelings toward a coach because I don't think you learn anything or actually analyze situations if you are thinking about everything from a personal standpoint. I also think that a good player will be able to learn from any coach (that actually knows their stuff) because they will be able to separate personal feelings toward the coach and focus instead on the information they're trying to pass on.

I can see it when coaches are coaching more with ego or looking for those specific moments where you lost the game. When we played our rival this year it was a great game. I think our Coach was expecting more because we were so close to beating them last year, so when we lost he said we weren't playing hard enough, and we weren't playing how our team can play. 

I never believed that because playing in that game and thinking back to it I never felt like we were playing bad. Volleyball is a sport based on mistakes and this year our rival did not make many mistakes. They covered the floor really well and their hitters were looking for the gaps in our defense. I know that winning is winning and losing is losing but personally I judge a game, my teams, and myself based on if we played our hardest. The way I see it you can't win every game but if you are playing with your all then there is nothing to regret. I also think a lot of coaches make winning such an important part of the game that when a team loses they don't think about how they played, just that they lost.

I think our school, because it is smaller, is constantly playing the underdog. People are always saying other schools have an advantage because they have so many kids, and we are too small to be in the top division. But I would bet those are the same people that think playing smaller schools is dumb because they aren't even competitive. I think anyone can win if they work hard enough but in our program, we are so used to losing to bigger teams that even when our team has the potential to win we are so used to losing that sometimes some players don't even care enough to try.

Our volleyball Coach doesn't punish anything. He always said in practice that if you are not taking a drill seriously than the drill will punish you by not letting you be apart of it. I understand what he means, it makes sense. My sophomore and freshman year, another team I was on lost to a team that our coaches thought we could beat so we rode the bus back to the school and ran suicides and sprints for 30 minutes. 

Having experienced both I think a lot of coaches give consequences for the wrong things. I think making a mistake isn't something that always needs to be addressed every time. I do think not putting effort is, having a bad attitude, purposefully not trying; those are things that shouldn't be allowed, but instead they are. 

One thing I have never understood is if there are a lot of people making the same mistakes why do coaches make them run rather than working on whatever it is to help them not make the mistake again?

FOMO...

Last summer in a street fair in Vancouver, a vendor proudly displayed his self made concoction called simply, “Hot Dog Water.” It was exactly what it sounds like. Marketed as a compliment to the Keto diet craze, he sold dozens of bottles at almost $30 a bottle. The newest thing had arrived!

What many didn’t see was the fine print this entrepreneur had put at the bottom of the bottle: “Hot Dog Water in its absurdity hopes to encourage critical thinking related to product marketing and the significant role it can play in our purchasing choices."

In our efforts to be the first, never left behind and stay cutting edge, athletes, parents AND coaches will reach for the whimsical, absurd and sometimes even dangerous just to make sure they are not missing out from what another athlete, parent or coach is doing.

Say hello to FOMO.

This social media hornet’s nest is the Fear Of Missing Out. It’s often associated with the local gossip, (or as one 14 year old recently labeled it, “spilling the tea.”) plans your friends have and news events. But for purposes here, its relevancy is honed on youth sports.

“Why is their daughter able to serve rockets and my daughter struggles to get the ball over the net,” wonders a worried parent? What are THEY doing that I’m not? FOMO…

In her amazing book called, Good to Go, Christine Aschwanden talks about FOMO in athletes. She points out many athletes have FOMO. If they aren’t ingesting the latest supplement and sport drink or doing the latest recovery thing, then they believe they’re at a disadvantage to their competition. This idea of FOMO drives the marketing plans of companies hawking everything from special training foods and drinks, shakes, powders, training aids that fit on your wrist, special glasses, weight programs, extra practices, private lessons, etc.

Some years ago, a promising 14 year old came to her new volleyball club. She was ripped and athletic but had knee pain and many times couldn’t finish out a tournament. At a coaches query, her Dad pointed out that every day, he and his daughter would go run and workout at 430a so she’d be better prepared for college ball; EVERYDAY. His daughter’s injuries caught up with her and she stopped playing her 17’s year, using her maladies as her way out, but one has to wonder if the daily regimen had taken a mental toll as well. Simply put, she may have burned out.

This idea of FOMO is a breath shortening reality for Parents who try to navigate the politically charged atmosphere that High School athletics have become. If your daughter doesn’t make her HS team, no worries, she’ll just go to a smaller private school where she does. She can’t miss out on those end of season awards and flabby stats that can perfume up an athletic resume’ when U.S.C. comes calling, which of course (in many Parents’ minds) they will! This same mentality explains why so many clubs pop up year after year and the fall ritual of club migration to and fro are part of our Thanksgiving table discussions.

FOMO!

The originator of the “Changing the Game” project and the wonderful “Way of Champions” podcast John O’Sullivan says in a wonderful blog post titled "Is 'Fear of Missing Out' Ruining Youth Sports?", “We cannot allow the Fear Of Missing Out to be the primary driving force in youth sports!” 

FOMO! Always looking for that better club, (sometimes at great financial strain to the family) or that camp or clinic that their HS coach is conducting, the weight room sessions that will unfortunately be deemed more important than the family’s vacation to Disneyland and even the off season play that, at the moment, is leaving many of our youth players without an off season: an incredibly dangerous precipice to tip toe over. Think about every major or professional sport you follow: isn’t there an off season? And those are usually adults and professionals. These are junior players, sometimes 11 years old and younger, still growing and maturing, still figuring out their bodies and how to move in and with them. And many are playing volleyball 12 months a year!

FOMO!

One of the tragic but understated realities of FOMO in youth sports is the mental anguish it inflicts on unsuspecting parents and athletes. Coaching styles, which are as varied as options at a Starbucks, often put the health of the team, club and even their own ego ahead of the athlete's well being. (For reference, avoid those coaches!) But mental health has started to eclipse the horizon of sport in general, from professionals talking about pressure, eating disorders and suicidal thoughts to the stories of some who can’t help themselves and fall into the darkness. While it’s a positive this is being discussed more and more, it’s a catastrophe that youth sports has even come to this point.

When was the last time your athlete made a decision about their sport? Are they shuttled from one practice to the next, with training sessions and private lessons in between like pack mules hauling Parental dreams of the ever elusive D1 scholarship on their backs? Is it worth having a talk and asking them the question, “What do YOU want to do?” We assume as parents and coaches we always know better, but the reality is foggy at best.

Giving an athlete autonomy in their training and decisions helps keep them engaged, part of the process and makes them feel happier and invested. It’s worth asking the question.

Can we understand, as parents and coaches, that not all 12 year olds are the same? T.J. Buchanan is the technical director for athlete development at US Lacrosse and his quote is spot on. “There is no such thing as an elite 8-year-old lacrosse player. There are no high-performance 10-year-old lacrosse players. Some coaches may tell you different. Parents may tell you different. But what they are commonly mistaking for ‘elite’ or ‘high-performance’ is really just a young athlete who is simply more physically gifted at that given point in time, compared to their peers.”

Unless you have figured out a way to expedite the growth and maturity process in your kitchen, you play the hand dealt you. As a parent, this can be frustrating but as we talk to our athletes about, don’t worry about those things out of your control.

Finally, the mental side of youth sports is REAL! Coaches with USA Volleyball are being trained constantly about watching individual athletes and what their needs are, how best to communicate with them and understanding that each athlete is different from the next. They are also encouraged to understand that they, being adults but training kids like they are adults, is disadvantageous to an athlete’s overall success. Eleven year olds are NOT going to have the drive and athleticism of a college senior because…well, they’re ELEVEN! They are watching Sponge Bob and playing Fortnite and checking their phone constantly…to see what they are missing out on at the moment. Watch this video of a 4 year old’s hockey practice and see where his athleticism and keen mental focus is…

So what can we do about FOMO? Relax. Take the Disney vacation, even if it conflicts with 2 high school open gyms. If your athlete wants a week off, why not? Don’t we, as employees and bosses, take vacations too? Coaches, many of you will take some time post Club season to relax, reenergize and reflect? Why is it different for our athletes?

Talk to them and ask them what THEY want to do? Do they want to play another sport or play a variation of this one (beach or sitting or 9-man?). Or maybe, they just want to relax for a while. Don’t let FOMO’s dark cloud tsunami your athlete and your family.

Sports are a PART of being a youth, not the ONLY part, and it should be a healthy and fun part for the whole family. If your son or daughter is happy and healthy, you haven't missed out on anything!